Are You Here?

"Thank you for being in my life when I was the happiest. Thank you for being there when you needed me in my life. Thank you for all the times for the laughter and the plans of yours I needed to hear. But, I want to ask you, are you here? With me now? God, it kills me when you are not. No matter how hard I try to shrug the thought of you being at a distance from me, I cannot feel okay. There are times when I want to shout at the top of my lungs and tell you how hurt am I. I want to ask you why you aren't here. As much as I want to think it's okay, it's not. As much as I think you are busy, have bigger demons to fight I break down every time I don't see you around. I need you, how can I make myself even more clear? For someone who has never asked for help, isn't that enough? You have been so casually cruel and I bet you don't even realize it do you? No matter how hard I try, I just cannot have you see me the way I see you. I just cannot make you love me the way I do. I am broken and hurt, I am devastated but I am keeping my facade. I hope this letter reach you, but I also hope it doesn't. Because you know why? I am too scared that voicing my true feelings is going to drive a wedge between us, a wedge that's already there but I am too weak to admit. I just hope, for once, you get to see how much I love you and crave for your attention. And how much I want you to be there for me. I don't even ask for the love in public, but private, not loud but silent. Can you do that? Is it too much to ask? Maybe in another life?
Love always,
AJ"

I watch her casket being carried towards her final home. Tears rolling down my cheeks as I look at the pile of unsent letters addressed to me in my hands.