Can’t Have You Walk On Eggshells!
People out here are writing the most beautiful and wholesome pieces about love. And here I am, talking about something that’s particularly puzzling, gore and everything that I cannot name. And that’s not something I’m writing just for the sake of writing. It’s something that I feel every single day of my life .If you are loved by me, in any form or shape, you are bound to walk on eggshells. Or maybe this is just in my head. But how do you tell what is real and what is only inside your head?
Can’t have you walk on eggshells, a phrase I repeat every other second in a minute because of how I am turned out to be. And yes, for some of you out there it might not be true. You might say that I am bluffing or lying because I love you a lot yet you don’t ever walk on eggshells around me. You know why? Because I don’t let the darkness get to you. Because, even if you have ever for a split second felt that darkness, I have concealed it. Because I saw how you reacted to it. You reacted the natural way, the way any human is supposed to react. Like a normal human being. But my twisting mind does not need normal. So, I hide, I hide in the deepest of corners just so all the madness is hidden.
I cannot have everyone walk on eggshells each time they are around me. I don’t want them to feel the shards of broken glass piercing deep into their skin, every time they are in a close radius to me. No, this is not fair to them! It was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be a normal human being, capable of forming healthy relationships with humans without burdening them with my neurotic nature. I was supposed to laugh freely and not feel things to the deepest core that it starts to hurt my soul.
I want to have meaningful relationships with people. To be able to talk to them about how I love the constellations, or how I love the way those rings make Saturn appear. I want to be able to talk to them about how stories are always being imagined in my mind and how I am not able to sleep because of the demons at night. I want to talk about things I feel, that one lyric I heard and couldn’t stop thinking what the writer was going through. That one sentence in the book that forced me to close it shut and think about it for days. That one gesture they made that I could never get off of my mind. Or how I am unable to get a resting heartbeat because I haven’t seen them in so long, or haven’t heard their voice. I want to tell them how I am afraid to fall in love but also at the same time how I want to experience that rush. I want to just stay awake at night and tell them of that one memory I cherished the most, or how I think that feminism is wronged. The demons I pet and how you think of me as strong, is waiting to kill me because I really am not. To talk to them about how we can change the world or maybe juts sometimes cruse everyone! I want to pour my heart out so they could bottle it and keep it with them forever. But I guess it is too much to ask since I am a hopeless one.
But, I know the meaningful relationship will come with the biggest drawback — which they won’t be able to handle. So I do what I do best. I take a step back and sit in silence. I look at the sky and unload the violence. It’s their one step forward with ten of mine back. I am sorry I cannot let you ruin your life like that. So, here I am apologising to everyone I have wronged. Trust me it was better to let you go. This way there might be memories of us still happy in your mind. If we stayed together you’d be a depressed summer child. I hope and pray the ones who stayed. That they never have to walk on the eggshells I lay.
The woman who can get unrest heartbeat because your small gesture made her feel like you are not interested in listening to what she has to say will never be the woman to be your home. And that is why I am always an afterthought and never the first choice. And perhaps I am okay with that?
Perhaps this is what I get for my neurotic nature. Perhaps I should always keep people at a distance because they already are battling with demons in their life. And the last thing I would want is for a loved one to see me as the demon in their life. I was supposed to be an angel, healing and loving them. I guess the fire within me never died but was aired enough to roar the flames to the sky. No one likes a mad woman, not even myself. But since I can’t get rid of her, I have to bear her for the rest of my life. But you don’t have to. You have a choice, and I suggest you run!!!
