DO YOU WANT TO DIE WITHOUT ANYONE BY YOUR SIDE??

These past two days genuinely made me realise how deadly this pandemic is. On 27th of May, I fell ill. I had severe fever and my body ached even when I moved my head from left to right. I even felt short of breathe on the first day, when I wasn’t able to even drink a cup of milk.
The whole day, I laid down on my bed, took two tablets of panadol and slept for longer than usual, still the pain was there , it never left. I tried staying away from everyone and everyone did the same. Now, obviously everyone was too scared of Corona and we all should be. I was at my grandparent’s house, so I took some extra care to stay as far from them as possible.

But, that night I realised one thing, and it was that what if I have caught Corona? I mean that could have been possible, I mean anything is possible in this world right? I am a very optimistic person and I never go too far in thinking what if I die and all… But, that one particular night, as I was lying on the sofa shivering even under a sheet, made me think other way round.

So, I thought that what if I have Corona?

and the next thought was If I have what are the odds that I will survive?

The next thought came along shortly after the second one, and it was that even if I have that means I could have transmitted it to the people I met in these previous days, and maybe some of them would have gotten it.

And so the never ending thoughts started……….

I realised that how much trouble I can cause to all those 30 plus members of my family if my test comes out as positive. And in that moment I realised one more thing, and that was not to do anything just because my family blackmails me to do so. I was avoiding family gatherings but was forced to go on one iftar at my phupo’s house, where technically live some 5 kids, the eldest one being only 3 and a half years of age. Brown families, you cannot do anything about it.

So well I thought that what should I be doing when in isolation? And I thought of writing letters to each person in my life. Yes, to each and every person in my life. Firstly to my family, for telling them that this disease or whatever you call it is not just fake but very much real. That they should take care so that there won’t be anyone next on the list of deceased ( I don’t know why was I so sure that I would die.)

I thought of telling my friends, how much they mean to me. How much I have loved spending time with them. I wanted to know them that I cared for their friendship and everything that we did together.

I thought of telling my sister to publish all those poems I have written but are still in my drafts. I even thought that maybe I should ask her to change my name to “MM wrote” because I would not be alive (I am laughing at myself right now for being such an idiot.)

I need my mother the most whenever I am sick, I guess most of us need our mothers. And you know why do we need mothers? Do you know why Islam has emphasised so much on the love of a mother? It is because my mom hugged me tighter than usual when I was lying all sick on the bed, despite the fact that I may have corona. She didn’t want to leave me alone in such a hard time and that’s when I realised it again that I won’t ever be able to repay her. I know that not all of us have the same mothers but then again, if someone can bear the pain for such a long period as for nine months, maybe they don’t actually hate you, maybe they have some different weird way of talking to you, but if you try to talk and sort things out you will find out how much they love you.

To be very honest, and not just I am posting it online so I am bragging about it, I realised that I really don’t fear death at all. But, what I feared the most was not being able to hug my loved ones or see them in my last days. I feared the idea of watching the ceiling fan as I lay dying. I feared not being able to hug mama tightly as the pain makes my body ache like someone is piercing my skin with needles. I painted the picture of being in isolation. Having a cell phone, some books, a register, some pens and yes of course all that good things that will let my immunity boost up, but no human touch. Everything on one side was not as much important as these two words on the other side of but.

But most importantly above all, the only reason I prayed not to die of Corona was because I couldn’t imagine a death where my loved ones won’t be able to mourn me by seeing me. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not having my mother reciting Qura’anic verses on me while hugging me and praying for me. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see my father sitting around me, completely worried and not holding his tears back while blowing prayers on my face every other second. I couldn’t imagine breathing m last breathes and it having to see my siblings around, not being able to see Appa sitting there in silence not sharing anything about how she feels or Maheen crying and trying to hide it or Hassan Abbas sitting there with a sad look on his face, crying in front of everyone and not being able to hide it. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see Maisam, Manal, Mustajab. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see my nana, nano, or any of my relatives sitting in my room, trying to ease the pain and help me laugh. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see Ali bhai cracking jokes just so he can make me smile. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see my friends coming over, acting so mature all of a sudden, telling me the memories of the past. I couldn’t imagine breathing my last breathes and not being able to see my five little minions, my nieces and nephews, not being able to see all of them laughing or kissing me for the last time. BECAUSE I WAS JUST NOT READY OF DYING A DEATH THAT WOULD HAUNT ME FOREVER. A DEATH THAT WON’T LET MY FAMILY COME BACK TO NORMAL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. A DEATH MY FRIENDS WILL REGRET. I WAS NOT READY TO DIE A DEATH WHERE I WON’T BE ABLE TO FEEL HUMAN TOUCH OR SEE HUMAN EMOTIONS AT ALL.

FROM THAT DAY ONWARD I DECIDED NOT TO GO OUTSIDE AT ALL. LIKE I DIDN’T DO IT THAT MUCH BEFORE BUT I DECIDED TO BE AS STRICT AS POSSIBLE.

As the month of JUNE approached, so are the news of people around me getting infected. Right now, I can’t even count the number of people who have been infected by CORONA VIRUS and all I can do is just pray for their safety. TO ALL THOSE NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DO. I AM NOT THERE TO SAY THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY HEARD BUT ONLY THAT NOBODY WANTS TO BREATHE THEIR LAST BREATHES WITHOUT ANY HUMAN BY THEIR SIDE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SAY YOU HATE HUMANS, I BELIEVE THERE IS ONE DAMN HUMAN YOU WOULD WANT BY YOUR SIDE AS YOU ALL LAY DYING.

TAKE CARE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANY HUMAN BY YOUR SIDE.