I am A Basic Girl!!

I don’t know why I made a writing account. It was a reaction that still doesn’t make sense.
I used to upload things that I wrote, wishing silently in my heart that my family, friends and relatives would like them, they would share and leave their opinion in the comment section, but I never wanted anyone to know who am I.
Because the fear of being judjed lurked around everytime I thought about telling people that 'hey it’s me, yes Maryam’. Only my sisters and my best friends knew I made a page. Everytime whenever I uploaded something my sisters shared the pictures on their instagram stories, appreciating me.

The name I selected is childish, now if you look at the name 'mm writes' it may look absrud to you because honestly all of the amazing writers who are my friends have so beautiful names, take for example 'my painted words' and 'blurry words' (by the way, don't forget to check these talented writers, they make me so proud.)
Now coming back to my "not so artistic kind of basic name."
There were two major reasons behind this name that was somehow mine and somehow not. I realized that I was afraid to come under the spotlight, even though I was not the type of girl who would panic if someone praises her. I loved to be praised (loved as in past tense, now all the praises make me somewhat nervous),but this was something too big for me to take the credit for, even though it truly was me writing eveeything and all.

And secondly, because with a masked personality, I thought I could easily write about topics as blunt as Love, feminism, patriarchy and Rapes, the topics that are considered taboos in our society. I thought I could say whatever there is on my mind without even fearing the eyes of people always lurking behind me to find the flaws and present them in front of the whole crowd. Yes not everyone is like that, and the people who are exactly like that know I am talking about them.

I thought that maybe if no one in my family or anywhere around me knew about it, maybe they wont get a chance to raise a finger on me about my blunt words and how am I ruining the reputation of my family. Because I have seen people around, casually remarking about things they shouldn't as if it doesn't matter to them the slightest.

If you go back to the start of my writings, you will see that there were some cliché quotes that I wrote. Some of you might even think that this was a 13 year old me after watching some rom com writing about something as cliche as love in the most cliched form. But, you know I never deleted them at all, I don't even intend to do so. Because they show my progress, they show how I changed from that person to the person I am today. Also, because they truly represent me, the me who started writing her heart out, the one who never cared about cliches at all, ever. I have written some very basic things that I laugh at sometimes, while owning each and every word completely and fully, till date.

There was a time, someone said something about basic names and all, I got really upset by that and decided to change that name.

One of my best friends had written a story on wattpad but she deleted it thinking of it as something she was ashamed of because of her mistakes and flaws....

When I saw the name 'my painted words' and after that when I saw her writings I literally thought these two things, A, I should change my basic absurd name, it's too basic and absurd.
And B, I should stop writing at all, she writes so good, I mean why would anyone wants to read my words when there are people like her and 'thewordsshefelt' (another friend of mine) writing like pros♡♡.

Then one day all of a sudden, when I saw that I wasn't getting what we all crave for at one point in our life, 'attention', I thought to stop writing because nobody gave a damn about my writings. Because those who knew it's my account and my writings never bothered to spare a glance, because those who said that they would do anything for me never liked my writings or gave me any remarks about it knowing that they mean the world to me.

All this time I felt like Sophie with all the Victors around me. But I am glad that I have some Charlies in my life.

But then,
I thought that no,
This would be mean.
Mean to my own self,
Mean to my writings.
What is my purpose in life?
Is it writing what my heart wants or what the audience want?
Is it thinking the way I am or the way people want me to be?
And there was my answer,
I would never ever go and delete that first ever story I wrote on wattpad no matter how cliche or typos or bad plot it has, I will own it till my death. I want it to be there for the beginnings to see that this is how you find the best in you. I would never be ashamed of the title of my story because that was the first title that came across my mind while writing the story.

I am never ever going to change mm writes no matter I turn 80 and people laugh. Because it reflects the geniuine and true me.

I am never ever going to delete the first thoughts I posted on instagram no matter how bad they sound while looking back.

And lastly, I am never going to ask people in my life spare their times and read what I wrote. I get it that people don't want to read 2 or 3 minutes rants of someone who is a nobody. I get it that everybody has their own taste, I get it that people may not want to read what you have written.

There are a lot of people in my life, in my inner circle who don't read it. I used to get angry but now I don't because honestly I don't care Now that I know that I am the Sophie and the Charlie in my life. Yes to those who give a damn about my articles and poems You GUYS ARE MY CHARLIE♡♡. My mother, she always read no matter how long my ranting goes, no matter if she understands a word or not, there's no pure love as the love of a mother♡.

Look you can't force people to like something as fragile as art, not everybody gets it, not everybody has that taste, and above all even if it's not art you can't force people to do anything that they just don't feel like doing.

And now, the last thing I want to say to all those who read everything I write, you guys have massive respect in my heart. I mean I really really am thankful to all of you for taking out your time and reading what I write❤ For your heart reactions, for your claps, for your comments. I genuinely am THANKFUL TO YOU🖤❤

You know we writers,
We want people to read our things but then again we want to keep them hideous but whatever we want one thing that should be clear is that we don't want to mould our writings just because someone who has never been in our shoes doesn't like it, we won't ever stop writing the way we write because people can't understand it.

Because all of this is what I want. All of this is what I HAVE THOUGHT OF. All of this is for me, not for anyone else out there.