I Am Letting It Slip

Once again I am letting it slip away from my hand. I cannot stop it. I just watch it happening in slow motion in front of my eyes. I want to scream, resist, fight back, even close my fist tightly so it cannot escape. But I cannot. Or more like I don’t have the will to. What do you call this when you are willing to let it slip away but not simultaneously?

I watch it fall to the ground like the pieces of a bracelet that were once tightly woven together. With each step toward the ground, my heart sinks further down. I feel restless like my body is about to give up. Sometimes I do wish it gives up. Because God, I can no longer take it. You may think I am dramatic. That, what possibly, a 22-year-old woman is going through to feel this stuff. Some of you may think this is about you. Others may guess it is about a lost someone, someone I loved.

Whatever you think, doesn’t concern me. Not anymore at least. Because all I can focus on is that I am unable to control the only thing I have control over. I know I don’t make sense. And why should I? Why does everything have to make sense? These days I ask questions like, ‘Why do we exist,’ ‘What is it that we are waiting for, or are we waiting for something?’ ‘Why is living a good thing but dying sobad?’

These days I look at the ceiling and think of one single time when I could say life was simpler. It was not. It is never simple. There is always something complicated going around. Even if you are living in a time period where all your concern is to do your homework so you can go play, there is something complicated going on. Like a cousin or a friend reminding you how your family is not the best of families. Like an elder shouting at you because your mother is not their favourite. I feel my cheeks getting wet and I try to feel nothing. But I do, I feel my heart sinking down. I still don’t know this feeling.

But it makes me uneasy and it lives within me all the time. I am still not used to it. It asks for my permission to house inside but I don’t allow it. It laughs at me and says soon I will be running towards it with open arms to find a shelter. I think that’s true for a day like that would come. But maybe I will sink before that, or who knows, I will swim. Swim to the shore where I will have to face all the complications all over again. My thought process is like that. I start from one thing and end on the other. It makes me anxious but I don’t know a way out of it. I sit there in silence but with tears in my eyes this time. I want to stop it from falling. I know I can, but I don’t have the courage.

I am not a courageous person to control the only thing I am allowed to control. But alas, I might never be able to explain to you how I can never be the girl who can control the only thing she has been given control over.

I pray to fade into dust before the last piece slips out, for what I will have then if it all goes away?