I Am The Be(wor)st Person To Exist!
This is exactly how I feel every day. There are days when things are going fine and I feel like I am the best person (not the narcissist best but just generally I am doing great and treating everyone in the best way possible.) But then when the dark days come over I start to question it all.
And it would be fine if I just stop at questioning myself. But I don’t because I always like to take things far, too far from where coming back to where I was before seems like a fantasy. While this is going in my head it gets so strong that most of the time I just want to push people away.
Do you know why? Because I know what hazard am I. Yes I know we are more than fine but do you know how hard is it to convince myself every night that we will be fine tomorrow or the day after tomorrow as well? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get myself to understand that even if things fall apart there is a chance that it can be mended and that it won’t only be my fault? Do you know how hard I have to fight myself because I know I am the WORST?
No, you don’t, you don’t get that. When you know and you are sure that you can never love someone enough to not hurt them. That there will be a time when they will eventually have to find ways to stay away from me, to run as fast as they can because the monster I am is ruining their lives. I am the fire that perishes you eventually after providing you warmth for some moments. I am the hurricane and the calm before that. I am the peace and havoc. But my peace and calm are temporary- the hurricane and havoc are permanent. I feel like an imposter because you think I am a hero when I am the villain all along. Based on one nose scrunch I can conclude that it’s me who is the carbon monoxide for you. No, it’s never that you told me something but always that I felt that way. And my feelings, are one day going to kill me. I will end up alone because I know I am a catastrophe nobody should ever touch.
As I wrote in one of my poems I can’t seem to find right now that I am never someone’s home, a soothing place to go. The world might think that this poem was written because I was hurt by someone but what they don’t understand is that it’s me who always hurt me. I am the person who breaks her own house, sets fire to her own paradise, ruins her chances of having a happy life. I am the war and never the peace!
