I Grew Up/ Grew Out Of Things !!

It took me a very long time to understand this but here I am proudly or not so proudly accepting the fact that my writing is the shelter I always found in people.

Now I have found my comfort place, my home, a place to always go to whenever I am feeling like ending the world or myself. I know that there is nothing that can absolutely get in my way.

At least it is better than realising humans and I am not saying that because humans have betrayed me, yes sure that might be one of the many reasons but the other big reason is that they have their own baggage to carry.

And I am not someone who wants them to carry mine when they are fighting battles I can't help them with. Yes, they say it's better to share but for how long does it feel that way? For a month? a day? for good two minutes or perhaps two seconds?

Yes, I have been there and I have done that but the thing with writing and I is something I know nobody has and they can never steal that from me. And I am just so proud to say that I know now I have a shelter I will always run to.

I am exploring myself, trying to experiment with things, I have left the old person I was on a station where I don't ever want to go back and it is because I know that person only did me harm more than good.

Being a good person is a very good thing but being a good person with no limits is bound to turn you into even the worst kind of person and it is so good if you realise it before it’s too late.

Like I feel like I have still something good left in me, so I am trying to save that and hold on to that because I need it for myself. It was part of growing and I do not complain about it all the time, just sometimes when I feel like burning the whole world down.

But, I also know that I cannot exist in black and white. And that as much as I want to be white, there is always that black part I should never be afraid or ashamed of.

The black part that lets me stand up for myself no matter how many people I lose, the black part that helps me to show the world that I am not some small kid with the softest kindest heart, that I am just as angry as any other adult out there. That there is anger residing inside of me and that I am done with the bullshit you throw my way. And I am most certainly proud of that black part. The black part helped me grow out of obsessions I never thought I’d grow out of.

But there’s also a grey part. And most people in my life are in that grey part; the part where you stay if you like but I won’t budge an eye if you go.

But in the end, I want to say that these three parts are what makes me, ME. It is who I am and it is who I always will be. No matter where I go, no matter what I become, I am always going to be this person with these three colours and nobody can change that because I DON’T WANT TO CHANGE MYSELF NOW. I AM HAPPY THE WAY I AM.

I may have not liked the events that made me this way, but, you know what they say; It’s always a part of growing right? So, I grew, grew up, grew out of.. whatever you want to name it.