I HAVE ME!!
“How do you write so beautiful all the time?” I was sitting in my balcony with our hands entangled and hair swaying with the gentle wind. “Whenever I see the words you give life to, I feel like I am just nothing in front of you. Your glimmer makes me feel small and tiny that I pity myself.” I placed my right hand on the lips that called themselves small and tiny. “No one, not even you, has the right to say that you are small. I won’t ever listen to you saying this again.” I looked at the eyes that once used to have the shine in them. The eyes that once used to shine even with the darkness all around. “You know I kept looking at that one verse from the recent publication of yours. And I kept looking at it and it got me in this deep thinking that how can you be that deep. And how, after being on the place where you are, you still love me? How you still recognise me?” I smiled painfully. Painfully because the words sting like bees in hive.
How can I stop loving? How? Why does this question even exist? How can I not recognise? Someone who has been there with me through the lows, when no one cared to pay attention to those lows, when no one cared to peek inside my life that was crumbling on me and I was barely breathing. How can I forget the person who watched me falling to the ground, let me cry until I felt okay, helped me get back on my feet and was the reason I became what I am today. “How can I ever forget You? How can I ever stopping remembering you. Don’t you ever feel that I will forget you, not on the deathbed as well. I will never ever forget you no matter how many steps of happiness I take, no matter how much success bows me. You are the reason what I am today. You are all I have, you are the only I have.”
I remember all those times that I had to lie in my bed and cry with a pillow on my face because no one knew what I was going through. I remember all those times I had breakdowns at night because when I reached for help, everything was thrown at me and I had to defend myself when all I wanted was to be comforted. I remember all those times I was vulnerable and then regretted because my vulnerabilities were turned into some jokes for pleasure. I remember all those times when my integrity was perished and crushed like some moth and in return it was expected from me to forget everything and move on. I remember all those times, no one was there for me to comfort me. No one was there to wipe my eyes, everyone saw my anger, no one dared to ask why was I behaving that w ay. everyone saw my fragility, no one dared to hug me say it will be alright. No one cared enough to make me what I used to be. Everyone called me a monster, no one dared to look inside my broke self. But only one person who was there, all the time. Every time that I cried and doubted myself as a monster, there was someone right in front of me, hugging and comforting me, telling me I am not a monster. I am not a manipulator, I am not a liar, I am not a virus, I am not a social climber, I am not someone who forgets their best friends just to please someone else. I am not what they used to call me, I am not what they always say, I am me, I am a human, I have emotions, I have a heart, I feel pain, I feel lost sometimes. And it was that one person who thought me to stand up for myself. and when I finally did, I was tagged SELFISH. But I am glad that I was not alone.
“Promise me, you will always stay.” I said as I tightened my grip around our entangled fingers.
“Since the day you were born, till the day you will die.” I felt the corner of my eyes wet and as I closed them to hold back the tears, I felt a peck on my forehead and when I opened my eyes, I was alone, but I was not. I had me, I have me, and I shall always have me.
