The Girl I Was To The Girl I Am!!

There was a time, when I used to be excited for things. When I used to love doing random mundane things with the utmost joy and excitement. A time when I used to cherish the small details of life. There was a time when I used to watch the cricket Ashes series by waking up at 5 in the morning while everyone was asleep. There was a time when all of my journals were filled with cricket and when I'd let anyone to read or go through them. There was a time when I used to sit at the roof and watch the moon amongst the few stars. A time when I used to listen to the music and dance along with it no matter what others think. A time when I used to tell what habit of yours is bothering me without overthinking it again and again, without fearing I might lose you and our relation.

There was a time when I used to trust everyone with my whole heart. When I believed in their words no matter how many layers of lies were coated on it. A time when I was not aware of the hypocrisy and that people may use you for their benefit until their benefit is fulfilled. There was a time when I invested my complete energy in a relationship even after their multiple injuries thrown towards me. A time when I was not the control freak neurotic person who was way too overprotective.

Now, I don't know what happened for I just don't know about the matches anymore. I don't feel interested in watching the sports that was once closest to my heart. Now, I can't let anyone touch my journals because they are so complex that even I am effected by the old memories inscribed in my journals. I cry when I see how much my life has became complicated. That how the girl whose every page was just about Cricket, her routine and the relationships she was thankful for has changed to a journal which has page one with happiness while page two with anxiety and grieves. All 365 pages are a rollercoaster of emotions now. All of these pages are surprisingly me, me a happy lively girl, dressed in pinks with a cutesy smile on her face and a black shine in her hair, is all scattered now.

Now I don't dance along to the music even when it's my favourite. I do watch the moon but with a heavy heart, like there is so much burden on it that it will collapse any moment now.

Now I don't know what happened that I think if I tell you the habit of yours bothering me, you will go away and I am not yet ready to live without you. Because I have seen people walk out of my life when I was no longer fit for their benefit. Now, I don't know what happened for I cannot get myself to trust anyone fully. There is always a shadow of darkness lurking and dancing in our relationships. I am sorry for you don't deserve it, but I keep overthinking what if you will leave me too? I keep overthinking my moves and regret my actions that may result in you getting angry because I know that people leave you when they get angry. So All I do now is sit quietly, waiting for your words and actions that affected me like the bee's sting, fade away so that I can get back to normal. Now I try to keep my mouth shut for as long as possible because I fear my words of pain will make you go away. I surely can live without you. Don't think that I cannot. Because the people I thought I won't survive without taught me lessons and showed me that I can. I just don't want to be the reason our relationship ends. Because it will be painful for the rest of my life. Knowing that I was the reason you broke it off. Knowing that my hurting words, that I said because I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, have caused you being distant. I am sorry that I sometimes get on your nerves by my way too overprotective-ness. I don't have anything to say about it. Just that I am sorry. I get overprotective because I have seen people breaking me and going to someone else's arms to find solace. Maybe my hugs weren't the kind of warmth they needed or maybe they were cold like the Antarctic. Maybe they were a little too tight that caused them to suffocate or maybe they were too loose that they didn't make the home people find in hugs. I am sorry that sometimes with my neurotic controlling behaviour, I get on your nerves. I just don't want you to get hurt and so I end up being a control freak, but trust me I am not. I don't know how to explain but I am really not a controlling person. A shift of 180 has been seen in me. Now I get angry on things I am not supposed to and say nothing when I should be the most angry. Now I cry on things that don't deserve it and stay silent of those which needs my wrath and anger. Now I sit back and overthink everything. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any strategy to deal with it anymore.

All I know is, This change was not what I asked for, but this change is what I have to live with now. And that this change when at times has broken me but at times has made me the strongest version of myself since 2000